And I Could Not Ask for More

"i found all i've waited for

and i could not ask for more."

-edwin mccain-

Day 31/31: so my math was a little off. today is sunday the 17th and i am finishing up 31 days of art and reflection. tuesday i will turn 31 and begin a new year in my personal calendar. i take a moment this morning and reflect back on 30. on my 30th birthday, i had to call in sick to work, and my whole family spent the day at the doctor's office, me with yet another sinus infection. and that day was not unlike too many others that followed this past year. it got really hard. the following month my daughter turned one, and i think i had some expectation that things would just get easier. in some ways they might have, but really, there is no "easy" in parenting a small child and working full-time. i can accept that now. somehow i managed, like everyone else does too. even in the midst of challenge, good things were happening. around that same time, with the help and support of a good friend, i reached a goal of starting a small private practice. the challenge and fulfillment this has brought to my year has been remarkable. 

we faced our first thanksgiving and christmas without my grandma here. and my first christmas to not go home. we all survived it, grateful for the joy that ruby's life now brings to our family. then there were the four months in the 30th year that were not so good. january to april put me in my place and challenged me on a whole new level. all i can say about it now is that i survived it and hope i don't ever go there again. i thought that i had good coping skills for stress, and i thought that the stress i faced was not unlike any other person's stress, but for some reason this year it got to me on a cellular level. as i enter the 31st year i am hopeful that i have made enough positive changes in my life and body so that i am not taken over by that kind of cloud again. this whole phase forced me to really embrace mark nepo's story about watching the orioles. there was still so much good, even when things were hard.  babies were born, weddings were celebrated, families remained together... the beautiful birds still came by.

tonight my dear friend is taking me to a concert for my birthday. i have been looking forward to it for months. although i have seen edwin mccain three times already, i can't wait for this evening's show. edwin had a couple really big hits in the 90's and i remember loving his songs when i was in high school. so tonight, i realize that i have carried his music with me over three different decades. the words still have meaning and especially this year, after lots of ups and downs, i think it is fitting to end one year, and start the next with those words in mind...

these are the moments i thank god that i'm alive

there are the moments i'll remember all my life

i found all i've waited for

and i could not ask for more.

here's to 31! i could not ask for more and i won't. this project has only helped to reaffirm what i already knew to be true. i am where i am supposed to be, surrounded by the most kind and generous people, and lucky to be able to experience this journey called life through these eyes and this heart of mine.

peace and love,

carly

Daruma Doll

“it's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”

-paulo coelho-

the alchemist

Day 30/31: as i gave my daughter a bath tonight, i glanced up at the shelf and my daruma doll was staring back at me. i see him every day, but today i noticed that he was a mandala. i bought this doll in 2008 as i was graduating from my master's program. i learned about the daruma doll because there was one in the counseling room that i interned in (i think he still had one eye, too). when you receive a daruma doll, both eyes are blank. you color one eye in when you set a goal, and fill the other one in when you achieve that goal. as i was wrapping up my schooling and about to start my professional career, i had lots of goals and wishes. the specific goal i had in mind when i got this little guy has not come to fruition, and i am not sure it ever really will. 

the doll symbolizes perseverance and good luck. i think by now i can say that i have both. sometimes i am tempted to just go ahead and color in his other eye. yes, the original goal is still pending, but maybe i am not so sure i want to achieve that one so much anymore. i am in a place where i want to be and am doing the things that fill me up.  i don't think i could have planned it any better.

when i graduated, i had this quote printed in the program next to my name. i still love it. and i think that is why i am not going to color in that other eye.

I Already Am

"plants are the most spiritual beings on the planet. 

they become exactly what they are intended to be." 

Day 29/31: it was a slow work-day. no people to see so i mostly stayed home working on a presentation on grief i will be giving at the community college next month. there is nothing that makes you want to take a nap more than working on a grief presentation all day. i spent a lot of time looking at clips and quotes online about grief, only to affirm how truly difficult it is to be a human being on this planet. i decided i needed to look away for a bit, so i started going through an album of images i have that make me happy.

in there was a picture of two calla lilies.  calla lilies make me happy. they remind me of california, my wedding, happiness, and darn it--grief as well. but mostly about happy things. unfortunately calla lilies are toxic to cats so i never get to have them in the house. last christmas nick bought me a bunch and they kept well for a few days in the cupholder of my car. the thing about calla lilies i love is analyzing their form. when i sit there and look at them, i want to draw them. they are hard to draw. their curves, the way the whiteness blends in with the green, sometimes purple. it's beautiful.

last week my colleague and friend shared with me a quote she brought back from a conference in santa fe. it was said to be from carl jung, though she wasn't able to confirm it, but regardless of who said it, i think that it is true. plants exist without expectation and anxiety. they unfurl on nature's watch and the sun's time. they root, they grow, blossom, grace the world a while, and then they die. and that is what is intended. 

as i draw these calla lilies i reflect on who i am intended to be, and realize that through this process...i already am. 

Little Things

the little things are the big things

Day 28/31: while looking for a book, i came across an old notebook of mine in a storage bin today. one of the first entries was dated 2010 and i remember the situation clearly. a woman i was visiting at the hospital was very ill and asked for only one thing, though it seemed no one was able to provide it. she wanted a red popsicle. she was frustrated because she had received several popsicle offerings but they were rainbow pops and she didn't want orange and green and purple. she wanted a plain red popsicle. i felt like if we can get man on the moon surely we can obtain a red popsicle for this woman. it took some rummaging and required a trip to a different floor, but i found one hidden in the back of a freezer and brought it to her.

she was too weak to open the wrapper so i helped her and placed a napkin around the stick. she took one lick and exclaimed "i am in heaven! i am in heaven!" such a little thing, i thought. it was clear that i had given this woman exactly what she needed and so i asked her if there was anything else that i could help with before i go, which is customary. she replied "you've done exactly what i needed. there have been times in my life that i needed an angel and got one. you are my angel."

i am not particularly comfortable with being called an angel, as many people working in hospice get labeled, but i got what she was saying. anyone else could have been that angel to her on this day. i understood that she didn't just want a red popsicle, but she needed one. the woman actually passed away that evening, which made this simple thing so much more impactful on me.

mark nepo says "more than finding heaven on earth, we are asked to release heaven by living here on earth." i wonder sometimes, if we overlook the possibility that heaven is here, just waiting to be unwrapped by someone who has the patience to do so in the presence of one who is wise enough to recognize it.

To Be Broken

to be broken is no reason to see all things as broken.

-mark nepo-

Day 27/31: today was a toughie. i sat in my car dreading what i was about to do. some days are just like that. it's not that i haven't done this hundreds of times before, but on this day, i did not want to do it. a certain level of detachment is required to work with the dying. you can't ever really imagine yourself in your patient's shoes because that is the trap that renders you paralyzed and unable to help them. today i felt like my foot got caught in the trap. i think we all did. when caught in the trap, the world feels broken, and hopeless.

we used to be avid watchers of the the nightly news, always abreast of what was happening in the world (as reported by western media). for the past six months or so we consciously stopped watching it. the news was making me feel broken. i have to escape the dark shadow that all the pain and sadness can cast upon my life in order to remain sane, in order to be able to continue giving.

as i sat in that garage, thinking about how unfortunate the situation was that was awaiting my arrival, i got great news. a dear friend had given birth to a healthy baby boy. somewhere in the world, people are rejoicing. here they are mourning. there is space for both.

Breathing in the Sistine Chapel

"So if I asked you about art, you’d probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life’s work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I’ll bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You’ve never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that."

-good will hunting-

Day 26/31: when i heard the news yesterday of robin williams' death, i was saddened like most americans who have spent the better part of their lives enjoying his art and humor. i was even lucky enough to see him as a guest when we attended the letterman show in 2007. one of my favorite movies of all time is "good will hunting." williams plays "sean" who is the therapist in the movie. there are so many beautiful exchanges between he and will. i remember watching it when i was 15 and the quote above really stayed with me. what does it smell like in the sistine chapel?

eleven years later, i found myself standing in the sistine chapel, looking up at that beautiful ceiling, and this part from the movie came to me. i had such a moment of self-awareness then. the idea that we can learn about anything we want, but that we don't really know it until we experience it with all our senses it has stayed with me. the moment in the sistine chapel for me was filled with gratitude and humility. i never really dreamed i would be there, and yet it was so. and the lasting impression i carry is really a visceral one...the buzz of people, the energy inside (there and me), the guards hushing the crowds when the noise was above an acceptable range, the staring upward in reverence and wonder at the frescoes thinking "just how did human hand create such beauty?"

thank you, robin, for the beauty you created for us in your time here.

Watching for Orioles

the challenge isn't to ignore the pain.

the challenge is to not make life only about the pain.

-mark nepo-

Day 25/31: i have been dealing with a sinus headache for what feels like a week now. oh, it is so hard to enjoy life and work from this space. if you live in austin, you are used to seasonal allergies year-round, and i assume this is what is causing my woes. while struggling this winter with low energy from mono, i feared i would never feel like myself again.  i experienced everything through the veil of my mono. when you feel bad, it is hard to experience the joys in life.but this is true life. we are never completely without pain of some sort. it may be physical or emotional, but there will always  be something. i know my headache will lift and i will go on and be content again. 

when i went to hear mark nepo speak this past fall, he told a story about paradox. mark is a cancer survivor and shared about a time when he and his wife were waiting for these beautiful baltimore orioles to arrive at their bird feeder. he said they arrive in michigan maybe for just a couple days, and then they are gone. at the moment that the birds did arrive to his feeder, he was coping with some terrible stomach pains. he said, in that moment he made a choice. he took pleasure in the beauty of the orioles while he was also experiencing great pain. he said, "i don't want to deny my pain but I need to be able to let in that beauty, and we are faced with these choices in more subtle forms every day. "

so today i am facing choices in those subtle forms. a sinus headache will not stop me from letting in the beauty of this day. i am waiting, watching for the orioles.

In the Kitchen

"oh the past is too much with me in the kitchen."

-jeanne marie beaumont-

Day 24/31: today i made my grandma dee's chicken spaetzle soup. i make it quite often, even in the hot texas summer months. today i added some turmeric to the broth. after i added it, i kinda felt bad, as if it was an act of infidelity to the original soup. whenever i make it, i think about her and how she made this same soup for her seven children. she shredded the chicken, and separated the white from the dark meat and kept them in separate bowls, to please one of the kids who wanted to add the chicken to their bowl only. one summer when i was visiting her in michigan and making the soup with her, she told me to grab a mixing bowl to make the spaetzle. she had dozens of bowls in her cabinets. i took one that was medium-sized, pale yellowish, and it wasn't quite perfectly circular. it looked vintage and by then it probably was. i will never forget her look of amazement that i happened to choose that bowl. she said, of all the bowls, you picked the one i have made spaetzle in for 40 years. 

after she died, i was there and took that bowl back to texas with me. it is our spaetzle bowl. it is an imperfect bowl, yet it has survived many decades, and many moves. i wash it carefully because i hope that it can continue to fulfill its role in being loyal to the soup, even when i deviate by adding a foreign spice.

when i read this poem, When I Am In The Kitchen, i felt like it kinda captured the essence of the bowl, and so many other things in the kitchen that we can associate with loved ones past and present. our people live on through us, and sometimes in those tangible objects that we appreciate now more than ever.

Preparing the Heart

nothing could have prepared your heart to open like this

-john o'donohue-

Day 23/31: today i attended a baby shower for a friend i met in grad school. i caught myself asking the parents-to-be if they are "ready for baby" and they answered as if that was a legitimate question. i read another blog yesterday where a local woman posted about her birth story. she had given birth to a beautiful baby girl this week, a little over a year after losing her 16-month-old to a heart disease, and after another miscarriage. i have followed her story since her daughter was ill and passed away. i am in awe of her courage to open her heart again, despite the risk of losing everything.

so as i drove home from the shower, i thought about the stupid question i asked my friend. we all do it. i remember when i was pregnant getting asked the same questions, "are you ready? are you ready?" and we answer by talking about how the clothes have been washed and folded and cribs have been set up. special lamps and sound machines have been procured. but the real question beneath the question, should really be this: are you ready for your heart to ache with joy and to open as wide as the sea?

Swan Song II: Everything is fine

"i know we'll move on and the moment will be gone

and i wouldn't change that if i could

but just for this moment, everything is fine."

-jan seides-

austin singer/songwriter

Day 22/31: there are certain things that make my job especially rewarding. swan songs is one of them. swan songs is an organization in town that puts on private concerts for people at end-of-life. they arrange for a professional local musician to come out and play for about an hour for patients at their bedside. they are nothing short of breath-taking.

today i was involved in facilitating a concert for one of my patients and, as usual, i was moved by the music and moment. there is something about sitting there in an intimate space with people and music that literally touches the soul. i really can't capture it in words, but i know what it feels like in that moment. today's musician, jan, performed a song that she wrote, fittingly, about enjoying the moment. 

her song reminded me that, with everything ugly and awful, painful and sad going on in the world around us, in this room, in this space in time together, everything is fine. we just have to get there and notice it. today i was there and it was wonderful!

(and this mandala was inspired by jan's beautiful skirt)

Relationship with the Moon

who could be so lucky?

who comes to a lake for water and sees

the reflection of the moon.

-rumi-

Day 21/31: this past april, i attended a "restoring balance" lunch at the seton cove. every tuesday there is a lunch with a speaker on a different topic. this day, the topic was "the moon." it coincided with a lunar eclipse that happened days before. as we started, the presenter asked everyone to go around the room. she said "please state your name and your relationship with the moon."

relationship with the moon? that was the first time i had ever been asked, or considered that question. i thought about it for a minute and spoke of my current relationship with the moon, which included helping my 18 month-old find it at all times when outdoors and "oohing and aww-ing" over it. 

one woman's story about her relationship with the moon struck me. a woman in her 70's, she shared a memory of being a young child in england. she said her parents woke she and her siblings up in the wee hours of the night to see the lunar eclipse. she recalled three little children outside, staring out in wonder at what was happening in the sky. the parents then provided black pieces of paper and pastel crayons so the children could capture their experience on paper. she said she will never forget that.

after an hour of reading poetry and quotes about the moon, we went on our way. i can't stop imagining those little kids coloring their own eclipses and what a gift their parents had given them, unconcerned with sleep and time, handing them paper and telling them to capture the magic.

The Closer to Austin

"there is a freedom you feel the closer you get to austin, texas."
-willie nelson-

Day 20/31: this time 10 years ago, i graduated from the university of texas at austin. standing there in front of the tower that night, i was drawn in by the pomp & circumstance, and energy of the graduation celebration. something told me that i would be back. and i was.

i have lived in austin now for a third of my life, and i feel very fortunate to consider this place "my community." one of the places i spend a lot of time for work is at the county hospital. 9 stories high, it offers some pretty spectacular views of austin. today as i was leaving the parking garage, i got out and took a panoramic with my camera. it just looked so pretty. i could see the place where i lived when i first came here in 2001, days before america changed forever. the memories flood me and i think about all that this city has provided me with in terms of opportunity...wonderful friends, a great job, education, love and lots of fun. i could not have asked for more from this place.

Silence

silence is the mother of the spirit. it births in us the cloister of the heart.

 it brings us beyond the noise of chaos and clutter and confusion of a spinning world 

to the cool, calm center of spiritual self.

-joan chittister-

"monastery of the heart"

Day 19/31: i wait for silence. it usually comes late in the evening and very early in the morning. in between there are sometimes brief pockets of it. it is precious and i enjoy it now more than ever.

i think about how rare silence is, yet how crucial it is to rest, stress-reduction, rejuvenation.

finding or creating a space of silence takes mindfulness. as i sit here writing about silence, i pause to eliminate the noise coming out of my computer speakers. the music is meant to relax me, but as soon as it goes off, i feel space freeing up in my brain and i am less distracted. it enables me to finish this sentence.

The Truth About Myself

o god, help me believe the truth about myself no matter how beautiful it is.

-macrina wiederkehr-

"a grateful heart"

Day 18/31: what if we all believed the truth about ourselves? 

seems so much easier to acknowledge the beauty in a dear friend, our precious child, a selfless samaritan than our own selves.

i think about when i feel the most beautiful...mostly after encounters with people i consider to be authentic and kind. maybe because the truth rarely has an audience. it is the people who fill you up that allow you to recognize your truth, because they see it in you, and reflect it back. and it's never the perfectionists. never, never. it is always the ones who aren't afraid to reveal their true selves, their short-comings and all. those are the ones who are worthy of sharing beauty, real truth with.

as i blend these vibrant colors on paper, i think about all the beliefs i have about myself...and some make me smile.

Seed > Blossom > Fruit

"i choose to risk my significance; to live, so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom. and that which came to me as blossom goes to the next as fruit."

-dawn markova-

Day 17/31: when i was younger i remember going to girl scout camp and the motto back then (and probably still is today) was "always leave a place better than you found it." there was something about that task that felt like an enormous responsibility to me, even as a third-grader. the campsite was symbolic of our natural world. we encounter it for just a brief time, and then pass it along to the next group of hopefuls wishing to experience community and friendship there.

now that i am older and less concerned about the conditions of a fire pit, i am aware of my place in the circle. it does not end with me, nor did it begin with me. i was someone else's seed and hopefully at this point the bud is beginning to unfurl. and while that is happening, i am entrusted with my own precious inheritance. today i focused on being present. not rushing time at the park, or the pool. by practicing patience, i am becoming patient  and teaching patience. by being present to my life and my seeds, we all benefit, and ultimately blossom.



Childhood

"don't take these moments for granted"

Day 16/31: it's been a long time since there have been crayola crayons in the house. my daughter is discovering so many things that i once enjoyed myself as a child. she gets so amazed by simple things, like a new box of crayons or pack of stickers. there is nothing sweeter than watching her face light up when she is in awe of something new.

there are a lot of other moments we experience together, many mundane, some perhaps with her in a fit of todder-rage. i admit it is exhausting. i am exhausted tonight as i pick up her crayons from the floor, many broken, to create today's mandala.

i try to remind myself how precious every little moment is, even though there are a lot of times where i am just so tired and am focusing on achieving task, after task, so that we can go to bed. don't take these moments for granted, carly! coloring with the crayons, i am reminded of what it is like to be a child, and how quickly childhood passes by.

Always Rebalancing

"the universe is always rebalancing itself.

we are always rebalancing ourselves."

-paula d'arcy-

Day 15/31: today i went to a clinic to get a lab drawn for my job. it is the same place that i went when i first started my job to go through the health screening. the technician printed out my form and asked me to verify the information. "everything has changed," i said.

literally. new name, new number, new address. 

made me think about all that has changed since the time i started out on this particular journey. i have experienced many wonderful life changes, but deeper than that, i have changed on the inside. in some ways, everything has changed. the only thing that remains the same is the fact that i am consistently seeking balance in my life, and i think that is one thing that will never change.