Where we are

"Often, what keeps us from joy is the menacing assumption 
that life is happening other than where we are."

-mark nepo-

Day 14/31: we live in an age where we get glimpses into other people's lives in a constant feed, accessible 24/7.  other people's lives are happening all around us. they often appear to be more enticing than the one i am living. somewhere else people are seizing the day, living with no regrets and no limitations. here, i am cleaning up smashed peas from my sofa and i just stubbed my toe on a hello kitty watering can. at times my joy would simply be going to bed before 10:30 and waking up to a clean kitchen.

i am glad i didn't grow up in the digital age, where my peers' lives were so exposed and the inevitable comparisons of who is doing what and where and with whom was ever-present. i am lucky i just missed the cusp. it's not that any of that is bad in and of itself, but what keeps us from joy? the menacing assumption that life is happening other than where we are.

i want to be more present to my life, less of anyone else's, except my daughter's.  i want to rarely have to be reminded that life is happening where i am.

Stay at the Center

"stay at the center and let all things take their course."

-tao te ching-

Day 13/31: i read in a book once about a woman who was in a meditation group, and was told to imagine a peaceful, calm place, and go there in her mind. she found herself in the middle of warm bundt cake, presumably iced with a delicate glaze or smooth ganache. i loved that imagery. the idea is to find the way to the center. mark nepo talks about making your way to the center of the storm. i think about this a lot when i am stressed out, or sick, like today.

the center is calm. i am trying be there.

a bundt cake would be nice, too.

Rejuvenate yourself

And you, fair traveler, 

how will you rejuvenate yourself each day? 

-the art of pilgrimage (p.104)-

Day 12/31: self-care is a term that is spoken about ad nauseam in the social work profession. so much so, that i think sometimes people do not even take it seriously. yeah, yeah, yeah...

but this journey is long, and intense, and stressful. having a practice is so important to prevent weariness and fatigue.

i am constantly evolving my practices. the practice must serve you well.

since i got mono this winter i have actually gotten really serious about this for my own healing. every day there must be some moments of peace. some tea. maybe a walk.

reflection and art is good too, which i am of course practicing now in my 31 days. when the practice becomes dull, tasteless, lifeless, we must change it up. it must be fresh.

Let Go

let go or be dragged.

-zen proverb-

Day 11/31: oh how much better life is when we are not being dragged down by heaviness, baggage, pain, anger, frustration, angst, self-righteousness....expectation.  i did not do a good job of letting go today, and i can feel it. now that i am older, i can feel it more in my body. the challenge for me is allowing myself to let something go before my ego thinks i am finished with it. 

it is nightfall and i am sitting on my porch. there is actually somewhat of a breeze.

i wil let go of all that burdened me before i go back inside. tomorrow does not need it.

Must Breathe Slowly

"if you have one hour of air and many hours to go,

you must breathe slowly."

-mark nepo-

Day 10/31: sometimes it is hard to self-soothe, no matter what you do. today was one of those days for me where the stress and tension in my back and neck was off the charts. it seemed like every conversation i had flooded me with anxiousness about some future task or trouble yet to be seen. i hate when i feel this way. it's not my normal. 

later in the afternoon when the others were sleeping, i went to the pool by myself. i hadn't swam laps since before i was pregnant so it has been at least 3 years. as i swam, i breathed. swimming is so much about the breath. so is life. this mark nepo quote came into my mind. 

slow the breath. slow the mind. relax the body.

i did not swim too long, but when i got out and laid in the warmth, under the shade of a crepe myrtle, i noticed the tension in my body had dissipated. 

when i came back home, the others were waking, and i still had many hours to go.

Privilege of Meeting You

1 universe

9 planets

204 countries

809 islands

7 seas

and i had the privilege of meeting you.

Day 9/31: today is july 26. seven years ago today i walked into a bar with a friend and first laid eyes on nick. the next evening we had our first date, and we were pretty much inseparable after that. sometimes i think about all of the elements and variables at play that allowed us to be in the same tiny dive bar in east austin at the very same moment that night. i think about how easy it would have been to have never even met each other at all. life is that way, for better or worse sometimes.

for us, it worked out for the good. seven years has gone by so quickly.
that time in my life was filled with so much hope, excitement and adventure. sitting here at my breakfast table today, drinking my buttered coffee and waiting for our baby to wake up, i am filled with gratitude for the universe. i have all of the things i ever wanted with you. what a privilege.

Things of Greatest Value

"none of the things in my life of greatest value were easy."

-paula d'arcy-

29 jan 2013

Day 8/31: we spend so much time and energy trying to make our lives easier. maybe in all that toil we forget about what real value is. my dad used to say something similar to me, "nothing worthwhile is ever easy." 
i think most of us know this to be true, but live in denial of it.

what things in my life are of greatest value?
relationships, vocation, physical health, mental well-being, lessons learned along the way.
none easy.

take the easy way out, and you miss out on the good stuff.

Swan song

"for just as the swan's last song is the sweetest of its life, 

so loss is made endurable by love, 

and it is love that will echo through to eternity."

-call the midwife (PBS)-

Day 7/31: everybody has somebody that they miss every single day. without love to carry us through, how would we ever tolerate the space that exists with them gone?

 i wrote this poem when i turned 30. it was the first one without my grandma.

29:1

Twenty-nine years that I had you here

To the one year you have been gone

I liked the 29 better.

Speak it

speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.

Day 6/31: i do not particularly enjoy confrontation. i used to prefer to avoid it, even if it meant that i took on the burden of carrying anger or resentment. i realize that i have gradually over time become better at handling conflict and confrontation directly because of the work that i do. the necessity of advocating for others and dealing with challenging systems has somehow bled into my personal life. as i became a better advocate for others, i also became a better advocate for myself.

maybe it was turning 30. something changed for me in the last year. it is empowering to speak your truth, even if it means confronting someone that you wish not to. i realize now that confrontation is not a bad thing. in an age where it is so easy to be passive aggressive and air out our grievances though posts and texts, i think it is important to be able to speak directly to people. let them know when actions cause hurt or pain. and also to apologize directly when i am the one in the wrong. this is how we mend things and change. it is often uncomfortable, but usually worth it.

Pass by

if you listen hard, you can hear the ancient advice:

pass by whatever you do not love.

-the art of pilgrimage (p.85)-

Day 5/31:"the art of pilgrimage: the seeker's guide to making travel sacred" by phil cousineau is one of my very favorites. pass by whatever you do not love. 
to me, this means... be aware of the world around you. be ready to stop and pause, enjoy, or notice that which fills you up. be mindful on the journey by letting go of the things that do not serve you, and cherishing the things that do!

if we don't pass by the things that we love, that means we are stopping. that means we are spending time. that means we have more joy. when we get busy, we rush around and pass by lots of things in our hurried states.

today i am thinking about how i can apply this more to my daily life. i think that it really is just about noticing what is, loving what is.

Miss the Moment

if you miss the moment, you miss your life.

-john daido loori-

Day 4/31: we fixate on the future and the past. i see it every day in my work. loved ones get so anxious and wrapped up in a question that is rarely answered accurately, yet always robs people of precious moments. how much time does she have left?  how many days? i try to tell them not to worry about that, to focus on the present day, the gift that the now is offering in communion with each other   but i know it is so hard. i feel sad for those people because i know they will come to regret these final days spent seeking answers to gain control, when the sand is slipping through the sieve ever so fast. the moments are so fleeting. "don't miss them!" i want to shout.

but the truth is we are all guilty of missing out on the moments. we hold infinite distraction in our hands, our screens and lenses draw us away from what is unfolding. i try to be more conscious of getting drawn in, and drawn away. it is work-in-progress. i don't want to miss my precious, beautiful life.

I Got My Wish

i got my wish. i got everything i asked for.

-under the tuscan sun-

Day 3/31: sometimes life gets so busy and we get caught up in pursuit of the things we want that we don't even realize we already have them. i love this quote from "under the tuscan sun." everything francesca wished for came true, but she did not notice it herself because it did not look exactly how she expected it to. 

this happens to all of us. for me it can happen when unloading the dishes for the third time in a day...and then it hits me as i put away someone's little sippy cup. i got the daughter i always dreamed of.  or when i am driving home, exhausted, from a long day at my job...and it hits me that this is exactly what i worked so hard and for so long to be able to do. 

this quote reminds me to stop, and look at all that has unfolded around me in my life. it reminds me to consider that i, too, got everything i asked for. and for that i am grateful.

My Sunshine

you are my sunshine. my only sunshine.

Day 2/31: there is this little girl who used to be my baby. she is now a big kid. growing faster than I could have ever imagined. she loves the "sunshine" song. she used to tear up when it would play on her toddler pandora station. we would come in and comfort her and she would nestle in on our chests with her arms tucked in, head on our shoulders. it was the sweetest thing in the world...to see a little one moved to tears by a sweet song. now we sing it together in a happy tone so it doesn't upset her when she is trying to sleep. you are my sunshine. my only sunshine. please don't take my ruby away.

Be the Rainbow

be the rainbow in someone else's cloud
-maya angelou-


Day 1/31: Sitting outside after a rainy day. Today was my first day back to work from a nice vacation in Michigan. It rained a lot there, too. Thinking about all the people who are like rainbows to me. They often come unexpectedly, or unnoticed in a day's time. How can I be that rainbow to others? 

Mandala Project Explained

What is a Mandala?
Mandalas are circles....sacred circles. Mandalas appear in all aspects of life such as the Sun, Moon, Earth, and circles of life. Mandalas can be created by people to symbolize their journeys though life. They can also tell a story of where and individual has been. 

This is my mandala story.
In 31 days I will be turning 31-years old! Last year, I blogged on my Grateful for Thirty site each day about one person in my life I was grateful for every for 30 days leading up to my 30th birthday. It was a really enjoyable practice that helped me embrace turning 30 with so much appreciation for the beautiful collage of people that fill up my life. So this year, I have decided to continue with a practice, though it will be a little different.

This year I will be working on a piece of art every day for 31 days. Each day I will create a mandala that is inspired by a story, message or belief that I hold true. I hope to make it a meditative practice, and something that I can do by just carving out 5-10 minutes of my day. At the end of the journey, I plan to turn the mandalas into greeting cards and send them off...a symbolic gesture, just likes the monks do when they are done creating their sand mandalas. The sand mandalas are ritualistically destroyed once complete to symbolize impermanence of life. 

So here it goes....

Tibetan Monks making a mandala one sand grain at a time, Austin City Hall, 2011