And I Could Not Ask for More

"i found all i've waited for

and i could not ask for more."

-edwin mccain-

Day 31/31: so my math was a little off. today is sunday the 17th and i am finishing up 31 days of art and reflection. tuesday i will turn 31 and begin a new year in my personal calendar. i take a moment this morning and reflect back on 30. on my 30th birthday, i had to call in sick to work, and my whole family spent the day at the doctor's office, me with yet another sinus infection. and that day was not unlike too many others that followed this past year. it got really hard. the following month my daughter turned one, and i think i had some expectation that things would just get easier. in some ways they might have, but really, there is no "easy" in parenting a small child and working full-time. i can accept that now. somehow i managed, like everyone else does too. even in the midst of challenge, good things were happening. around that same time, with the help and support of a good friend, i reached a goal of starting a small private practice. the challenge and fulfillment this has brought to my year has been remarkable. 

we faced our first thanksgiving and christmas without my grandma here. and my first christmas to not go home. we all survived it, grateful for the joy that ruby's life now brings to our family. then there were the four months in the 30th year that were not so good. january to april put me in my place and challenged me on a whole new level. all i can say about it now is that i survived it and hope i don't ever go there again. i thought that i had good coping skills for stress, and i thought that the stress i faced was not unlike any other person's stress, but for some reason this year it got to me on a cellular level. as i enter the 31st year i am hopeful that i have made enough positive changes in my life and body so that i am not taken over by that kind of cloud again. this whole phase forced me to really embrace mark nepo's story about watching the orioles. there was still so much good, even when things were hard.  babies were born, weddings were celebrated, families remained together... the beautiful birds still came by.

tonight my dear friend is taking me to a concert for my birthday. i have been looking forward to it for months. although i have seen edwin mccain three times already, i can't wait for this evening's show. edwin had a couple really big hits in the 90's and i remember loving his songs when i was in high school. so tonight, i realize that i have carried his music with me over three different decades. the words still have meaning and especially this year, after lots of ups and downs, i think it is fitting to end one year, and start the next with those words in mind...

these are the moments i thank god that i'm alive

there are the moments i'll remember all my life

i found all i've waited for

and i could not ask for more.

here's to 31! i could not ask for more and i won't. this project has only helped to reaffirm what i already knew to be true. i am where i am supposed to be, surrounded by the most kind and generous people, and lucky to be able to experience this journey called life through these eyes and this heart of mine.

peace and love,

carly

Daruma Doll

“it's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”

-paulo coelho-

the alchemist

Day 30/31: as i gave my daughter a bath tonight, i glanced up at the shelf and my daruma doll was staring back at me. i see him every day, but today i noticed that he was a mandala. i bought this doll in 2008 as i was graduating from my master's program. i learned about the daruma doll because there was one in the counseling room that i interned in (i think he still had one eye, too). when you receive a daruma doll, both eyes are blank. you color one eye in when you set a goal, and fill the other one in when you achieve that goal. as i was wrapping up my schooling and about to start my professional career, i had lots of goals and wishes. the specific goal i had in mind when i got this little guy has not come to fruition, and i am not sure it ever really will. 

the doll symbolizes perseverance and good luck. i think by now i can say that i have both. sometimes i am tempted to just go ahead and color in his other eye. yes, the original goal is still pending, but maybe i am not so sure i want to achieve that one so much anymore. i am in a place where i want to be and am doing the things that fill me up.  i don't think i could have planned it any better.

when i graduated, i had this quote printed in the program next to my name. i still love it. and i think that is why i am not going to color in that other eye.

I Already Am

"plants are the most spiritual beings on the planet. 

they become exactly what they are intended to be." 

Day 29/31: it was a slow work-day. no people to see so i mostly stayed home working on a presentation on grief i will be giving at the community college next month. there is nothing that makes you want to take a nap more than working on a grief presentation all day. i spent a lot of time looking at clips and quotes online about grief, only to affirm how truly difficult it is to be a human being on this planet. i decided i needed to look away for a bit, so i started going through an album of images i have that make me happy.

in there was a picture of two calla lilies.  calla lilies make me happy. they remind me of california, my wedding, happiness, and darn it--grief as well. but mostly about happy things. unfortunately calla lilies are toxic to cats so i never get to have them in the house. last christmas nick bought me a bunch and they kept well for a few days in the cupholder of my car. the thing about calla lilies i love is analyzing their form. when i sit there and look at them, i want to draw them. they are hard to draw. their curves, the way the whiteness blends in with the green, sometimes purple. it's beautiful.

last week my colleague and friend shared with me a quote she brought back from a conference in santa fe. it was said to be from carl jung, though she wasn't able to confirm it, but regardless of who said it, i think that it is true. plants exist without expectation and anxiety. they unfurl on nature's watch and the sun's time. they root, they grow, blossom, grace the world a while, and then they die. and that is what is intended. 

as i draw these calla lilies i reflect on who i am intended to be, and realize that through this process...i already am. 

Little Things

the little things are the big things

Day 28/31: while looking for a book, i came across an old notebook of mine in a storage bin today. one of the first entries was dated 2010 and i remember the situation clearly. a woman i was visiting at the hospital was very ill and asked for only one thing, though it seemed no one was able to provide it. she wanted a red popsicle. she was frustrated because she had received several popsicle offerings but they were rainbow pops and she didn't want orange and green and purple. she wanted a plain red popsicle. i felt like if we can get man on the moon surely we can obtain a red popsicle for this woman. it took some rummaging and required a trip to a different floor, but i found one hidden in the back of a freezer and brought it to her.

she was too weak to open the wrapper so i helped her and placed a napkin around the stick. she took one lick and exclaimed "i am in heaven! i am in heaven!" such a little thing, i thought. it was clear that i had given this woman exactly what she needed and so i asked her if there was anything else that i could help with before i go, which is customary. she replied "you've done exactly what i needed. there have been times in my life that i needed an angel and got one. you are my angel."

i am not particularly comfortable with being called an angel, as many people working in hospice get labeled, but i got what she was saying. anyone else could have been that angel to her on this day. i understood that she didn't just want a red popsicle, but she needed one. the woman actually passed away that evening, which made this simple thing so much more impactful on me.

mark nepo says "more than finding heaven on earth, we are asked to release heaven by living here on earth." i wonder sometimes, if we overlook the possibility that heaven is here, just waiting to be unwrapped by someone who has the patience to do so in the presence of one who is wise enough to recognize it.

To Be Broken

to be broken is no reason to see all things as broken.

-mark nepo-

Day 27/31: today was a toughie. i sat in my car dreading what i was about to do. some days are just like that. it's not that i haven't done this hundreds of times before, but on this day, i did not want to do it. a certain level of detachment is required to work with the dying. you can't ever really imagine yourself in your patient's shoes because that is the trap that renders you paralyzed and unable to help them. today i felt like my foot got caught in the trap. i think we all did. when caught in the trap, the world feels broken, and hopeless.

we used to be avid watchers of the the nightly news, always abreast of what was happening in the world (as reported by western media). for the past six months or so we consciously stopped watching it. the news was making me feel broken. i have to escape the dark shadow that all the pain and sadness can cast upon my life in order to remain sane, in order to be able to continue giving.

as i sat in that garage, thinking about how unfortunate the situation was that was awaiting my arrival, i got great news. a dear friend had given birth to a healthy baby boy. somewhere in the world, people are rejoicing. here they are mourning. there is space for both.

Breathing in the Sistine Chapel

"So if I asked you about art, you’d probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life’s work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I’ll bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You’ve never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that."

-good will hunting-

Day 26/31: when i heard the news yesterday of robin williams' death, i was saddened like most americans who have spent the better part of their lives enjoying his art and humor. i was even lucky enough to see him as a guest when we attended the letterman show in 2007. one of my favorite movies of all time is "good will hunting." williams plays "sean" who is the therapist in the movie. there are so many beautiful exchanges between he and will. i remember watching it when i was 15 and the quote above really stayed with me. what does it smell like in the sistine chapel?

eleven years later, i found myself standing in the sistine chapel, looking up at that beautiful ceiling, and this part from the movie came to me. i had such a moment of self-awareness then. the idea that we can learn about anything we want, but that we don't really know it until we experience it with all our senses it has stayed with me. the moment in the sistine chapel for me was filled with gratitude and humility. i never really dreamed i would be there, and yet it was so. and the lasting impression i carry is really a visceral one...the buzz of people, the energy inside (there and me), the guards hushing the crowds when the noise was above an acceptable range, the staring upward in reverence and wonder at the frescoes thinking "just how did human hand create such beauty?"

thank you, robin, for the beauty you created for us in your time here.

Watching for Orioles

the challenge isn't to ignore the pain.

the challenge is to not make life only about the pain.

-mark nepo-

Day 25/31: i have been dealing with a sinus headache for what feels like a week now. oh, it is so hard to enjoy life and work from this space. if you live in austin, you are used to seasonal allergies year-round, and i assume this is what is causing my woes. while struggling this winter with low energy from mono, i feared i would never feel like myself again.  i experienced everything through the veil of my mono. when you feel bad, it is hard to experience the joys in life.but this is true life. we are never completely without pain of some sort. it may be physical or emotional, but there will always  be something. i know my headache will lift and i will go on and be content again. 

when i went to hear mark nepo speak this past fall, he told a story about paradox. mark is a cancer survivor and shared about a time when he and his wife were waiting for these beautiful baltimore orioles to arrive at their bird feeder. he said they arrive in michigan maybe for just a couple days, and then they are gone. at the moment that the birds did arrive to his feeder, he was coping with some terrible stomach pains. he said, in that moment he made a choice. he took pleasure in the beauty of the orioles while he was also experiencing great pain. he said, "i don't want to deny my pain but I need to be able to let in that beauty, and we are faced with these choices in more subtle forms every day. "

so today i am facing choices in those subtle forms. a sinus headache will not stop me from letting in the beauty of this day. i am waiting, watching for the orioles.